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I’ve been having a crisis of faith (provided I had any) after reading Time’s article on Mother Teresa. Her letters to God and confessions made me think, how do you do something that you have no faith in yourself? And then I realised that I had been doing this all along myself. I don’t believe in whatever I tell others to believe in at all. Like even when I tell people to keep holding on to something, I already lost hope in whatever I held on to.
Sometimes I wish for a sign, divine judgment or something, like just smite someone once for a change? People deserve it anyway. This world is seriously condemned, like sure, I know the Bible says that we can’t ever be like Jesus and fulfill all Ten Commandments but we don’t exactly have to throw all the rules out the window do we? There’s always an excuse for sinning, but mostly it’s because people like it I guess. People break so many rules everyday, but I guess it’s alright if you don’t see it. I do though, it’s kinda sad.
In a way, porn opens your eyes up to a lot of things. Bad things. Like even though some people like to tell you that watching porn leaves you open to demonic influences and stuff, like it leads to possession because it turns you into a gateway for demonic legions to pour through and ravage your mortal frame. All that bullshit. For me, all it did was made me realise that this world is full of sick, twisted individuals that would do anything for money or lust. And that even in the most hardcore types of porn, the most disgusting and violent ones like incest, BDSM, rape and all that shit, even though most of them are just acted out, it only appeals to audiences because people secretly like it.
Because everyone is sick and twisted inside.
Here’s a video by Shadows Fall. Redemption.
Today, I am going to blog about Chin Kim, possibly one of the bestest friends that I could ever ask for.
I wish I had a camera to take a picture to show you how she looks like. But I don’t have a camera. Yet.
Chin Kim is one of the most interesting people in AJ, for being a deviant (heh!) and being so utterly cool about it. She always seems to be cheery and never fails to send a “HELLO!” in anyone’s direction or burst into a discussion on her fave anime character. Her display pictures also tend to be friggin’ humorous. At times. Other times I might as well visit a soft porn site.
Chin Kim and I can talk about anything. Anime, Porn, Anime Porn, and plenty of other stuff. But mainly just Anime Porn. I tend to annoy her with anime talk very often, but she’ll drop whatever she’s doing at the moment to respond. It always makes me happy to see her face light up when I bring up her favorite anime flavour of the month (it’s Teresa from Claymore) or to see her pout when I diss her characters.
I’ve been meaning to thank her for all her support and reassurance when I was feeling oh-so-emo a couple days back. I guess she was one of the few who read my ultra-emo post before I passworded it. I still remember what she said to me the day after the post went up. It may have sound ridiculous to anyone else listening to it, but it made a big difference in my day. So thank you.
Sometimes we share a quiet understanding of things. Just an unspoken thought connection when we hear someone say something funny to us. Then we burst into laughter while other’s just look on in bewilderment. We keep stuff to ourselves. =) But only because you’d hit us for being so dirtaaaaay.
Other times we say it out loud. Like in the case of dragons.
And yesterday, we did it in song. I felt completely at ease when we screamed out the lyrics to Hey Jude by the roadside, going “better, better, better, better, better, better, better YEAAAAAAAAAAAH” while being dangerously close to ah beng driven cars.
Thank you Chin Kim (I felt really tempted to type Chin Kam there), always being around in class, for always cheering me up, for always having something to share with me, for always being so crazy and wild that I think it’s blasphemy that you’re not a totally hot lesbian babe. Haha.
Here’s “Hey Jude” by the one and only Beatles.
The Bourne Ultimatum is freaking cool. Jason Bourne is THE most imba/l33t/sexay/fadge fictional human being that will ever grace the silver screen. This guy makes Jackie Chan look like Michael Jackson.
Here is an example of Bourne’s prowess.
Nuckin’ futs? Yeah, tell me about it. A book and a towel? Like, this guy totally thrashes James Bond and a hundred other wannabe spy dudes. Where would James Bond be without his ultra-cool spy gadgets and manhood? At the bottom of a lake rotting away I tell you. But what does Jason Bourne have? Memory lapses? Unreal pre-cognition of events? A BOOK AND A TOWEL?
Bourne gets props for the most inventive use of a book ever. While I’m sure many other people have tried using a book to kill someone (schools being the most obvious one), who can do it with the finesse and grace that Bourne pulls it off with? Okay, what am I talking about. The book is totally badass.
Now I know why most schools don’t recommend hard cover books here.
The towel gets a special mention here too, ultimately being the weapon of choice in incapacitating Desh, an “asset”, just like Bourne. But we’ve all seen the “oh-you-have-something-in-your-hand-but-not-if-i-slam-it-against-the-wall” stunt so many times before so it’s not half as cool as the Book.
And while we’re on the topic of weapons, let me give a shout out to my dear friend, Victoria, who presumably bought a softball bat. (Note: I can’t be sure as of right now because she hasn’t replied, most probably due to “commitments”, heh.) Bats give you an advantage in range, which is cool, because then you can hit stuff that’s far away. But it wouldn’t work so much in a one-on-one situation.
Why? Let’s take a look at this picture.
See how much you have to swing the bat back in order to land a decent hit on a person? That’s the problem you see. For a bat to be properly utilised, you need range. While it can be considered a long-ranged weapon, it need the range for it to be effective. A good swing that goes back far enough plus a follow through is going to hurt a lot more than a bat hit up close. But the time it’ll take for you to draw back and swing is going to give your opponent a great deal of time to react.
And it leaves you open to attacks as well. The alternative position is worse. Position your bat above your head for an overhead strike leaves much of your lower body open to an interrupting blow. This is why kendo practitioners train their overhead strikes ever so religiously. Bear in mind that the weight and shape of the bat is very different from the kendo shinai, which is designed for slicing, whereas the bat is made for bludgeoning.
So really, the only time you’ll be able to use a bat properly is when the person is lying on the ground. Or if you surprise him from behind. Because the most logical thing for anyone to do against a long-ranged weapon is to stay close to the person. You cut off their attack pattern that way.
So yeah. Weapons are cool. And so are dragons. I bought Brimer for myself and Boulder for Zoe.
I hope you see this, but I don’t think you’ll understand. I wish I had the strength to tell you in person, but I’m just too tired to try again.
Fallen
Who was it?
The gentle wind? Or the cruel ax?
That fell our friendship
like a tree in a silent forest.
And loud as it was, a thunderous crash,
no one else heard it.
But you and I.
Just like how old friendships die..
The tree fell and shattered into
a thousand hungry birds.
And they flew to all the corners of the world
and brought back seeds to the forest.
New seeds, new trees, new friendships.
And for a while,
the old tree their home,
and it was all but one
that flew away and made new homes
in the new trees.
Just like new friendships do.
The old tree lay rotting,
as the insects in it thrived.
Pests and problems plagued it.
Problems are pests.
And they slowly broke the old tree down.
Into sweet memories for the new trees.
They would consume them
and grow into
taller,
stronger,
better,
trees.
Just like new friendships do.
Yet, the old tree still hung on,
to its memories.
Because of the one little bird
that nested in them.
A tuneful song did that one bird sing,
and it was all the reason
for the old tree to remain.
It clung on to a song,
heart-wrenching,
touching,
sad.
Just like our friendship.
Here’s a totally unrelated video for you people to watch. “The Bird And The Worm” by The Used.
I bought a dragon today. It’s called Tempyst. It’s a tiny one, but that doesn’t stop it from being oh-so-shmexy.
It has the coolest wings ever. They’ve got holes in them. Like badass battlescarsssss man.
It has friggin’ huge arms and small hind legs. That’s how everything should look like. And they end off with nice big talons too.
It has a really big mouth, which I only realised when I was playing with it on the bus.
It has the nicest tail short of a scorpion. It splits in two and finish with nice blade thingys.
Plus, it’s silver all over and only costs 10 bucks.
And if you ask me to, I’ll show it to you.
My grandma bought it for me, because she’s a really nice grandmother and even though we all clearly know she’s not ever going to see this, thanks grandma, you’re the best! I wish I had a camera to take pictures of it, but I don’t so you’re stuck with imagining how effing cool the damn thing is.
Everyone should have just got me dragons for my birthday. Then I could have my little dragon army to take over the world with. Here’s the website if you’re interested in getting me a dragon or one for yourself so we can battle.
It comes with this gooey egg thing that really freaks Zoe out too! Nice.
Alrights, so after a really stupidly timetabled day in school. Zoe and I headed down to Compass Point to meet my grandma. It was a pretty fun day though, a lot of laughing. I always like laughing. Anyways, Compass Point right? That place never changes. The shops, the people, never really changes. Can’t say if it’s a good thing or a bad thing though.
So after lunch, we went around looking at stuff and we landed up at Kiddy Palace (which is always an awesome place) cos my grandma wanted to buy some shirts for my cousin. She didn’t manage to find any though, but she caught me looking at dragons, so now I have one.
Then she tried to force Zoe to go and choose her birthday present but Zoe refused and my grandma gave me money to buy her something instead.
Anyways, here’s a song for you people. Shinobi vs The Dragon Ninja by Lostprophets to keep with the dragon theme.
I’ve had a pretty eventful weekend. I studied (not sure how much actually went in though), and I stayed up till 5 a.m. the past two nights just to study. It’s quieter at night and no one bothers you. My mum does, spasmodically, like she gets up at random times and shuffles out of her room, only to see me on my computer. Then she starts making a hell lot of noise, saying that I’m wasting my time and yada yada yada.
She shouts at me. At 3 a.m. in the morning. When it’s dark outside.
My dad doesn’t seem to be bothered by it though, which is a good thing because he seems like he’s tired all the time. I’ve been keeping myself up with Nescafe Lattes and Clodhoppers and cups of Milo, so I think I’m going to turn diabetic by the time my exams are over. But I’m only doing this because my parents won’t allow me to take Red Bull. They don’t see a reason why I should artificially raise my heart rate.
I used to take Red Bull as a kid I think. When I was really small, my grandma would buy me whatever I wanted, and I wanted Red Bull. It looked really cool at the time in its gold-coloured can and I distinctively remember liking the way it tasted. I don’t know though and I don’t think it really helps keep people awake. I think it’s a psychological thing.
Anyway, I youtubed this song (“The Air That I Breathe”) on a band called All That Remains. I first came across the band in my Zen Of Screaming videos, which had interviews featuring Phil Labonte, the lead singer of All That Remains and the guy you’ll see and hear screaming his head off in the video. I kinda liked the way he sounded on the video, so I finally decided to look up some of their videos. Metalcore can be a bit much for some people, but I guess it’s still a pretty cool video.
Plus, their bassist looks pretty hot. From a distance.
Kinda reminds you of Linkin Park’s “What I’ve Done”, doesn’t it?
Oh how I wish my scream would sound more like them and less like a transsexual porn flick.
The wind of life and air from above smells of death.
Angels sing of the end.
There’s nothing you say and nothing you try can change time.
Human race prepares to die…
I like this song, there’s a “why try” mentality that it cultivates. Since we’re all going to die and get judged and this world is just so far below on the downward spiral, you can’t change anything in this lifetime, so why bother? No one will remember you for anything, you are insignificant and worthless. Your existence is meaningless, and your life pathetic.
No one will remember me. No one.
I have stuff locked up in my head that I can’t ever tell anyone. I have emotions that I am so scared of I actually vomit when I allow myself to think of them. I flinch at the most gruesome and brutal of things, because I know that I am capable of doing that. I am a rocket pointed waiting to be shot straight to Hell. All I need is the spark.
Avenged Sevenfold has been one of the most influential of bands to me ever since Harry first introduced them to me. I find a great depth of comfort and solace in their music and the most impactful line so far has to be the intro of Bat Country:
He, who makes a beast out of himself,
gets rid of the pain of being a man.
I wish I could let the beast out, but you know I’ll never do that. I have too much to lose by doing so. If you ever allow me to, I can only pray that I haven’t slipped too far.
Right, now that I’ve worked myself into a depressing state, I think I’ll write a poem. This one goes out to all the people I know who’ve been having problems at home and with their parents.
Slipstream
Your blood runs through my veins.
Cursing and defiling this vessel.
These eyes, mouth, nose and ears,
frown, smile, quirk and hairy trestle
are all yours.
Because you gave me life,
brought me into this world.
Systematically raped and abused my mind.
And I am hurled
to the ground.
Each night as I lay awake in bed
I hear your voice resounding,
every scream and each crescendo,
as my skull begins pounding,
threatening to burst.
You are a spineless coward,
Or you simply don’t care.
What kind of fucking dad are you,
if you’re never there
For us.
I see the demon that you really are,
hiding, behind the eyes that you gave
to me. Blinding you, and killing me.
You know no happiness save
Our misery.
Fuck you. Curse you and your demon spawn.
I curse myself for being born your child,
you terrorize and torture me
Your attitude drives me wild
To the point of extinction.
Give me leave to leave you be
and I will gladly embrace the liberty.
Your condescension, you sanctimonious bastard,
and all your hypocritical sympathy
can rot in Hell.
I live with the filth, and the stench
of the blood that courses through artery
of my body. It is your evil ways,
your sinful transgressions and dark mastery
That make me.
But I will not be in your shadow.
I am not something you can own.
I will be free from you very soon and I will never look back,
except to laugh at your mistakes and failures.
And the failure that you are.
I will laugh at all that you do,
until my voice is the one that resounds in your head.
Liar, cheat, bum, drunkard.
Hear these names that I call you,
For I am not the one who is drunk, I am sober.
I am not the bum because I have risen against you.
I am not the cheat because I do not go against my vows.
And I am not the liar, because every word I say is true.
Very soon. Sooner than you think.
All your blood will be gone
from the slipstream that is your child.
I hope all you will find peace in your lives. And comfort in the friendships that are craftily orchestrated and intricately weaved to eventually alienated and dissolve me from the chorus of your youth.
I passworded the previous entry because, well, people don’t really like to read that kind of stuff. Some people think it’s offensive, some people think it makes me look weak.
Besides, I stopped feeling that way already. I’ve got extremely volatile emotions, they change colours really quickly. Speaking of colours, I saw a rainbow just now. It was real pretty, but it stopped halfway in the sky so I didn’t bother trying to find a pot of gold at the end. I think it would have ended somewhere here in my estate if it did though. Wish I had a camera to take a picture of it, but my mum still doesn’t want to buy me a camera.
She’s asking for 5 Es for my prelims. I hope I get them. And then the camera.
Anyways, here’s a song from Queen called Bohemian Rhapsody. Awesome song, very very interesting.
Bohemian Rhapsody
Is this the real life?
Is this just fantasy?
Caught in a landslide,
No escape from reality.
Open your eyes, Look up to the skies and see,
I’m just a poor boy, I need no sympathy,
Because I’m easy come, easy go, little high, little low,
Any way the wind blows doesn’t really matter to me, to me.
Mama just killed a man,
Put a gun against his head, pulled my trigger, now he’s dead.
Mama, life had just begun,
But now I’ve gone and thrown it all away.
Mama, ooh, didn’t mean to make you cry,
If I’m not back again this time tomorrow,
Carry on, carry on as if nothing really matters.
Too late, my time has come,
Sends shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.
Goodbye, ev’rybody, I’ve got to go,
Gotta leave you all behind and face the truth.
Mama, ooh, I don’t want to die,
I sometimes wish I’d never been born at all.
I see a little silhouette of a man,
Scaramouche, Scaramouche, will you do the Fandango.
Thunderbolt and lightning, very, very fright’ning me.
(Galileo.) Galileo. (Galileo.) Galileo, Galileo figaro
Magnifico. I’m just a poor boy and nobody loves me.
He’s just a poor boy from a poor family,
Spare him his life from this monstruosity.
Easy come, easy go, will you let me go.
Bismillah! No, we will not let you go.
(Let him go!) Bismillah! We will not let you go.
(Let him go!) Bismillah! We will not let you go.
(Let me go.) Will not let you go.
(Let me go.) Will not let you go. (Let me go.) Ah.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
(Oh mama mia, mama mia.) Mama mia, let me go.
Beelzebub has a devil put aside for me, for me, for me.
So you think you can stone me and spit in my eye.
So you think you can love me and leave me to die.
Oh, baby, can’t do this to me, baby,
Just gotta get out, just gotta get right outta here.
Nothing really matters, Anyone can see,
Nothing really matters,
Nothing really matters to me.
Any way the wind blows.
I swear this song is satanic. It makes me even more depressed just by listening to it. Maybe the rumours really are true. Still, it’d be hella cool to play this song for prom. In a hotel. Cool.
Hotel California
On a dark desert highway, cool wind in my hair
Warm smell of colitas, rising up through the air
Up ahead in the distance, I saw a shimmering light
My head grew heavy and my sight grew dim
I had to stop for the night
There she stood in the doorway;
I heard the mission bell
And I was thinking to myself,
’this could be heaven or this could be hell’
Then she lit up a candle and she showed me the way
There were voices down the corridor,
I thought I heard them say…
Welcome to the hotel california
Such a lovely place
Such a lovely face
Plenty of room at the hotel california
Any time of year, you can find it here
Her mind is tiffany-twisted, she got the mercedes bends
She got a lot of pretty, pretty boys, that she calls friends
How they dance in the courtyard, sweet summer sweat.
Some dance to remember, some dance to forget
So I called up the captain,
’please bring me my wine’
He said, ’we haven’t had that spirit here since nineteen sixty nine’
And still those voices are calling from far away,
Wake you up in the middle of the night
Just to hear them say…
Welcome to the hotel california
Such a lovely place
Such a lovely face
They livin’ it up at the hotel california
What a nice surprise, bring your alibis
Mirrors on the ceiling,
The pink champagne on ice
And she said ’we are all just prisoners here, of our own device’
And in the master’s chambers,
They gathered for the feast
The stab it with their steely knives,
But they just can’t kill the beast
Last thing I remember, I was
Running for the door
I had to find the passage back
To the place I was before
’relax,’ said the night man,
We are programmed to receive.
You can checkout any time you like,
But you can never leave!
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