That without you is how I disappear,
And live my life alone forever now.
And without you is how I disappear,
And live my life alone forever now.

Can you hear me cry out to you?
Words I thought I’d choke on figure out.
I’m really not so with you anymore.
I’m just a ghost,
So I can’t hurt you anymore,
So you can’t hurt me anymore.

You give up after a while. You begin to realise that no one’s ever going to be there for you, and somehow it just works. Everything falls into place, you’ve got a new perspective on life, and you’re probably going to be a whole lot happier when you need someone to be there but just can’t find anyone.

I think I gave up last night. I stopped expecting anything help from people. Haha, friends even. After, what are friends but people? I even gave up in the great and powerful Satan and all his fucked up gimmicks. Look, I was really trying to sell my soul last night, but you didn’t come? Now it’s for keeps.

But I guess he didn’t come last night because he already knows that he has my soul wriggling in the palm of his hand. My weak, pathetic soul that always needed that someone to be there, who never was. I guess that makes me a little piece of worm shit or something.

I stopped believing in God a really long time ago so I didn’t even bother.

I guess I stopped believing in people too last night.

Ideals, ideals are all but shams
Oh please just shut your clams.
Friendship is a giant lie.
I won’t need you when I die.

There was some point when I just stopped feeling anything. Like how I don’t feel anything at all right now. I used to eagerly anticipate someone starting and MSN convo with me or sending me some kind of sms or something. But I now I know that none of that shit’s going to happen. People don’t care about me, you see. It’s like that line from Bohemian Rhapsody that goes “I’m just a poor boy, I need no sympathy”. Haha.

I find myself living in my songs. Hiding and biding my time away in my iPod. It’s been my best friend on so many occasions, I can’t even remember how many times it’s actually saved my life. But what’s it saving me from? A life of further degeneration? Friends who never seem to be there? Friends that I’m losing my grip on? Parents who will never understand? Or a “me” that’s so completely broken inside, all you see on the outside is your reflection in the shattered glass.

I can’t hold on to my friends. I know at some point they’ll all just drift away and there’ll eventually come a point when I’m just too tired to learn how to make new ones. I’m trying very hard to feel something for this, but I can’t anymore. It all just went away last night.

I can imagine what anyone who reads this will say to me. Haha. It’ll definitely have a Haha in it. Or a lol. Something to break the tension. Then they’ll struggle really long and you’ll see the MSN message at the bottom flickering between “typing something” and “last message received”. Then they’ll end it off with an “Oh well”. They won’t actually say anything, and they don’t really mean anything even if they did say it.

Oh wait, who am I kidding? No one talks to me on MSN anyways. Haha.

So thank you for never being there, and This Is How I Disappear.