Home.

Home by Daughtry

I’m staring out into the night,
Trying to hide the pain.
I’m going to the place where love
And feeling good don’t ever cost a thing.
And the pain you feel’s a different kind of pain.

I’m going home,
Back to the place where I belong,
And where your love has always been enough for me.
I’m not running from.
No, I think you got me all wrong.
I don’t regret this life I chose for me.
But these places and these faces are getting old
So I’m going home.
Well I’m going home.

The miles are getting longer, it seems,
The closer I get to you.
I’ve not always been the best man or friend for you.
But your love, remains true.
And I don’t know why.
You always seem to give me another try.

So I’m going home,
Back to the place where I belong,
And where your love has always been enough for me.
I’m not running from.
No, I think you got me all wrong.
I don’t regret this life I chose for me.
But these places and these faces are getting old
So I’m going home.
Well I’m going home.

Be careful what you wish for,
‘Cause you just might get it all.
You just might get it all,
And then some you don’t want.
Be careful what you wish for,
‘Cause you just might get it all.
You just might get it all, yeah.

Oh, well I’m going home,
Back to the place where I belong,
And where your love has always been enough for me.
I’m not running from.
No, I think you got me all wrong.
I don’t regret this life I chose for me.
But these places and these faces are getting old
So I’m going home.
Well I’m going home.

Don’t you just hate it when songs become so pertinent?

Hand of Sorrow.

Today’s post shall be dedicated to the first person that I’ve ever met off the Internet. I mean I met this person on the Net but I didn’t know the person personally? But now I’ve met the person, so… It’s kinda confusing, I know.

I wish I could put a picture up here of her, but someone has to be “vain” about it so I’m not allowed to actually. I could, but she’ll poison a chocolate cake and make me eat it. Hmmmm, there are plenty of things I can’t say about her, so this is going to be real tough.

I kinda feel like ending the post here actually.

But I’ll persevere. Okay, so this person yeah, her name is Stephanie, and she’s pretty cool and all. And I met her on Facebook right, and she’s really nice and stuff? Gosh, this is going to be really hard. My hands are freezing up too. Ouch.

I’ll just do a list of why I think she’s cool. It’s so much easier. Here it goes:

 1. She hates crowds. Like me.
 2. She finds large groups difficult. Like me.
 3. She spends a whole lot of time at home. Like me.
 4. She plays online games. Like me.
 5. She’s still studying. Like me.
 6. She doesn’t wear any pants. Not like me.
 7. She thinks original green tea is safer than any other flavour.
 8. She has plenty of older friends.
 9. She has to hold of the handle bars on the train.
 10. She thinks most Singaporean girls are dumb.
 11. She thinks most Singaporean guys are geeks.
 12. She’s a pessimist. Like me.
 13. She likes to cook or bake. I’m not a big fan of baking though.
 14. She’s very direct. Very. “Straight to your face” she says.
 15. She’s afraid of water fountains.
 16. She laughs at bad English.
 17. She hates Singlish.
 18. She doesn’t know how to fill up a profile.
 19. She thinks vampires are cool and she turns into one at night.
 20. She’s identity confused.
 21. She can’t do pictures not taken by her.
 22. She’s terrified of horror games.
 23. She has a cat. How many do you know have a cat? I don’t know any. Except for her.
 24. She has the weirdest wake-up voice.
 25. She’s mean. It’s not the same as being direct, but it kinda is in her case.

I’m going to stop here now. It’s long enough I suppose. And I really need to get away from the air-conditioner.

I don’t know. She’s really cool. Haha, as in really cool. I haven’t the slightest idea why. Maybe I think we’re similar. Haha. I suspect that she might just be a projection or a hallucination on my part, a reflection of my innermost desires to have a friend who would be really similar to me, and hence, my mind plays a trick on me where I actually think that this person is for real.

I know it doesn’t make sense, but neither do half the things I think of.

We might be pretty different in some ways, but I just find that I can relate really well to her. Even though we disagree on certain things. Haha. I don’t know. It’s 3 am. I’m not supposed to be thinking properly

I’m just going to end it off with a song she sent me. This is “Hand of Sorrow” by Within Temptation.

Wide Awake.

(The title refers to both the Chris Cornell song and me being awake at 2 a.m. on the day before my prelims.)

I thought I’d put up a post for good measure, just before my prelims, just so you know that I’ve been neglecting my studies and running off to do a host of other things, none of which are likely to advance my academic career.

I’ve been playing around with Facebook, which is undoubtedly one of the most effecient time-wasters ever created. It beats Friendster and Myspace hands down and I think everyone should just leave their accounts there and come over to Facebook. So that I can bite you and make you part of my werewolf army.

I really want to get the two headed cerberus picture.

I’ve been making friends on Facebook, having heated discussions about all things Singaporean, regretting not being able to make it for gatherings because of the impending exams, and cheating on Pets.

Well, that and joining “The Sims On Stage”, which apparently seems to have taken over SingShot.com. Part of EA’s bid to draw more people to The Sims and away from Second Life? Who’s to say?

I’ve been mulling over many things lately, some of it the same as what’s always bothered me and some other new things that I hear about in the music I listen to. Just like Chris Cornell’s “Wide Awake”, which talks about the Hurricane Katrina victims and what the US and UN have been doing about it.

So come put a sheet over my eyes
So I can sleep tonight
Despite what I’ve seen today
I find you guilty of a crime
Of sleeping at a time
When you should have been wide awake

I don’t know. It just screamed all my insecurities at me. Like how sometimes I see what people do, and I hate it, I hate the hipocracy and falseness of it and I just wish someone would make me forget all of the nastiness. And other times, the other times, when people are just so insensitive that they just don’t know how I feel, and how they are guilty of ignorance.

I don’t know, I don’t know a lot of things anymore.

Redemption.

I’ve been having a crisis of faith (provided I had any) after reading Time’s article on Mother Teresa. Her letters to God and confessions made me think, how do you do something that you have no faith in yourself? And then I realised that I had been doing this all along myself. I don’t believe in whatever I tell others to believe in at all. Like even when I tell people to keep holding on to something, I already lost hope in whatever I held on to.

Sometimes I wish for a sign, divine judgment or something, like just smite someone once for a change? People deserve it anyway. This world is seriously condemned, like sure, I know the Bible says that we can’t ever be like Jesus and fulfill all Ten Commandments but we don’t exactly have to throw all the rules out the window do we? There’s always an excuse for sinning, but mostly it’s because people like it I guess. People break so many rules everyday, but I guess it’s alright if you don’t see it. I do though, it’s kinda sad.

In a way, porn opens your eyes up to a lot of things. Bad things. Like even though some people like to tell you that watching porn leaves you open to demonic influences and stuff, like it leads to possession because it turns you into a gateway for demonic legions to pour through and ravage your mortal frame. All that bullshit. For me, all it did was made me realise that this world is full of sick, twisted individuals that would do anything for money or lust. And that even in the most hardcore types of porn, the most disgusting and violent ones like incest, BDSM, rape and all that shit, even though most of them are just acted out, it only appeals to audiences because people secretly like it.

Because everyone is sick and twisted inside.

Here’s a video by Shadows Fall. Redemption.

Hey Jude.

Today, I am going to blog about Chin Kim, possibly one of the bestest friends that I could ever ask for.

I wish I had a camera to take a picture to show you how she looks like. But I don’t have a camera. Yet.

Chin Kim is one of the most interesting people in AJ, for being a deviant (heh!) and being so utterly cool about it. She always seems to be cheery and never fails to send a “HELLO!” in anyone’s direction or burst into a discussion on her fave anime character. Her display pictures also tend to be friggin’ humorous. At times. Other times I might as well visit a soft porn site.

Chin Kim and I can talk about anything. Anime, Porn, Anime Porn, and plenty of other stuff. But mainly just Anime Porn. I tend to annoy her with anime talk very often, but she’ll drop whatever she’s doing at the moment to respond. It always makes me happy to see her face light up when I bring up her favorite anime flavour of the month (it’s Teresa from Claymore) or to see her pout when I diss her characters.

I’ve been meaning to thank her for all her support and reassurance when I was feeling oh-so-emo a couple days back. I guess she was one of the few who read my ultra-emo post before I passworded it. I still remember what she said to me the day after the post went up. It may have sound ridiculous to anyone else listening to it, but it made a big difference in my day. So thank you.

Sometimes we share a quiet understanding of things. Just an unspoken thought connection when we hear someone say something funny to us. Then we burst into laughter while other’s just look on in bewilderment. We keep stuff to ourselves. =) But only because you’d hit us for being so dirtaaaaay.

Other times we say it out loud. Like in the case of dragons.

And yesterday, we did it in song. I felt completely at ease when we screamed out the lyrics to Hey Jude by the roadside, going “better, better, better, better, better, better, better YEAAAAAAAAAAAH” while being dangerously close to ah beng driven cars.

Thank you Chin Kim (I felt really tempted to type Chin Kam there), always being around in class, for always cheering me up, for always having something to share with me, for always being so crazy and wild that I think it’s blasphemy that you’re not a totally hot lesbian babe. Haha.

Here’s “Hey Jude” by the one and only Beatles.

Wanted Dead Or Alive.

The Bourne Ultimatum is freaking cool. Jason Bourne is THE most imba/l33t/sexay/fadge fictional human being that will ever grace the silver screen. This guy makes Jackie Chan look like Michael Jackson.

Here is an example of Bourne’s prowess.

Nuckin’ futs? Yeah, tell me about it. A book and a towel? Like, this guy totally thrashes James Bond and a hundred other wannabe spy dudes. Where would James Bond be without his ultra-cool spy gadgets and manhood? At the bottom of a lake rotting away I tell you. But what does Jason Bourne have? Memory lapses? Unreal pre-cognition of events? A BOOK AND A TOWEL?

Bourne gets props for the most inventive use of a book ever. While I’m sure many other people have tried using a book to kill someone (schools being the most obvious one), who can do it with the finesse and grace that Bourne pulls it off with? Okay, what am I talking about. The book is totally badass.

Now I know why most schools don’t recommend hard cover books here.

The towel gets a special mention here too, ultimately being the weapon of choice in incapacitating Desh, an “asset”, just like Bourne. But we’ve all seen the “oh-you-have-something-in-your-hand-but-not-if-i-slam-it-against-the-wall” stunt so many times before so it’s not half as cool as the Book.

And while we’re on the topic of weapons, let me give a shout out to my dear friend, Victoria, who presumably bought a softball bat. (Note: I can’t be sure as of right now because she hasn’t replied, most probably due to “commitments”, heh.) Bats give you an advantage in range, which is cool, because then you can hit stuff that’s far away. But it wouldn’t work so much in a one-on-one situation.

Why?  Let’s take a look at this picture.

See how much you have to swing the bat back in order to land a decent hit on a person? That’s the problem you see. For a bat to be properly utilised, you need range. While it can be considered a long-ranged weapon,  it need the range for it to be effective. A good swing that goes back far enough plus a follow through is going to hurt a lot more than a bat hit up close. But the time it’ll take for you to draw back and swing is going to give your opponent a great deal of time to react.

And it leaves you open to attacks as well. The alternative position is worse. Position your bat above your head for an overhead strike leaves much of your lower body open to an interrupting blow. This is why kendo practitioners train their overhead strikes ever so religiously. Bear in mind that the weight and shape of the bat is very different from the kendo shinai, which is designed for slicing, whereas the bat is made for bludgeoning.

So really, the only time you’ll be able to use a bat properly is when the person is lying on the ground. Or if you surprise him from behind. Because the most logical thing for anyone to do against a long-ranged weapon is to stay close to the person. You cut off their attack pattern that way.

So yeah. Weapons are cool. And so are dragons. I bought Brimer for myself and Boulder for Zoe.

The Bird And The Worm.

I hope you see this, but I don’t think you’ll understand. I wish I had the strength to tell you in person, but I’m just too tired to try again.

Fallen

Who was it?
The gentle wind? Or the cruel ax?
That fell our friendship
like a tree in a silent forest.
And loud as it was, a thunderous crash,
no one else heard it.
But you and I.
Just like how old friendships die..

The tree fell and shattered into
a thousand hungry birds.
And they flew to all the corners of the world
and brought back seeds to the forest.
New seeds, new trees, new friendships.
And for a while,
the old tree their home,
and it was all but one
that flew away and made new homes
in the new trees.
Just like new friendships do.

The old tree lay rotting,
as the insects in it thrived.
Pests and problems plagued it.
Problems are pests.
And they slowly broke the old tree down.
Into sweet memories for the new trees.
They would consume them
and grow into
taller,
stronger,
better,
trees.
Just like new friendships do.

Yet, the old tree still hung on,
to its memories.
Because of the one little bird
that nested in them.
A tuneful song did that one bird sing,
and it was all the reason
for the old tree to remain.
It clung on to a song,
heart-wrenching,
touching,
sad.
Just like our friendship.

Here’s a totally unrelated video for you people to watch. “The Bird And The Worm” by The Used.

Shinobi Versus The Dragon Ninja.

I bought a dragon today. It’s called Tempyst. It’s a tiny one, but that doesn’t stop it from being oh-so-shmexy.

It has the coolest wings ever. They’ve got holes in them. Like badass battlescarsssss man.

It has friggin’ huge arms and small hind legs. That’s how everything should look like. And they end off with nice big talons too.

It has a really big mouth, which I only realised when I was playing with it on the bus.

It has the nicest tail short of a scorpion. It splits in two and finish with nice blade thingys.

Plus, it’s silver all over and only costs 10 bucks.

And if you ask me to, I’ll show it to you.

My grandma bought it for me, because she’s a really nice grandmother and even though we all clearly know she’s not ever going to see this, thanks grandma, you’re the best!  I wish I had a camera to take pictures of it, but I don’t so you’re stuck with imagining how effing cool the damn thing is.

Everyone should have just got me dragons for my birthday. Then I could have my little dragon army to take over the world with. Here’s the website if you’re interested in getting me a dragon or one for yourself so we can battle.

It comes with this gooey egg thing that really freaks Zoe out too! Nice.

Alrights, so after a really stupidly timetabled day in school. Zoe and I headed down to Compass Point to meet my grandma. It was a pretty fun day though, a lot of laughing. I always like laughing. Anyways, Compass Point right? That place never changes. The shops, the people, never really changes. Can’t say if it’s a good thing or a bad thing though.

So after lunch, we went around looking at stuff and we landed up at Kiddy Palace (which is always an awesome place) cos my grandma wanted to buy some shirts for my cousin. She didn’t manage to find any though, but she caught me looking at dragons, so now I have one.

Then she tried to force Zoe to go and choose her birthday present but Zoe refused and my grandma gave me money to buy her something instead.

Anyways, here’s a song for you people. Shinobi vs The Dragon Ninja by Lostprophets to keep with the dragon theme.

What I’ve Done.

I’ve had a pretty eventful weekend. I studied (not sure how much actually went in though), and I stayed up till 5 a.m. the past two nights just to study. It’s quieter at night and no one bothers you. My mum does, spasmodically, like she gets up at random times and shuffles out of her room, only to see me on my computer. Then she starts making a hell lot of noise, saying that I’m wasting my time and yada yada yada.

She shouts at me. At 3 a.m. in the morning. When it’s dark outside.

My dad doesn’t seem to be bothered by it though, which is a good thing because he seems like he’s tired all the time. I’ve been keeping myself up with Nescafe Lattes and Clodhoppers and cups of Milo, so I think I’m going to turn diabetic by the time my exams are over. But I’m only doing this because my parents won’t allow me to take Red Bull. They don’t see a reason why I should artificially raise my heart rate.

I used to take Red Bull as a kid I think. When I was really small, my grandma would buy me whatever I wanted, and I wanted Red Bull. It looked really cool at the time in its gold-coloured can and I distinctively remember liking the way it tasted. I don’t know though and I don’t think it really helps keep people awake. I think it’s a psychological thing.

Anyway, I youtubed this song (“The Air That I Breathe”)  on a band called All That Remains. I first came across the band in my Zen Of Screaming videos, which had interviews featuring Phil Labonte, the lead singer of All That Remains and the guy you’ll see and hear screaming his head off in the video. I kinda liked the way he sounded on the video, so I finally decided to look up some of their videos. Metalcore can be a bit much for some people, but I guess it’s still a pretty cool video.

Plus, their bassist looks pretty hot. From a distance.

Kinda reminds you of Linkin Park’s “What I’ve Done”, doesn’t it?

Oh how I wish my scream would sound more like them and less like a transsexual porn flick.

To End The Rapture.

The wind of life and air from above smells of death.
Angels sing of the end.

There’s nothing you say and nothing you try can change time.
Human race prepares to die…

I like this song, there’s a “why try” mentality that it cultivates. Since we’re all going to die and get judged and this world is just so far below on the downward spiral, you can’t change anything in this lifetime, so why bother? No one will remember you for anything, you are insignificant and worthless. Your existence is meaningless, and your life pathetic.

No one will remember me. No one.

I have stuff locked up in my head that I can’t ever tell anyone. I have emotions that I am so scared of I actually vomit when I allow myself to think of them. I flinch at the most gruesome and brutal of things, because I know that I am capable of doing that. I am a rocket pointed waiting to be shot straight to Hell. All I need is the spark.

Avenged Sevenfold has been one of the most influential of bands to me ever since Harry first introduced them to me. I find a great depth of comfort and solace in their music and the most impactful line so far has to be the intro of Bat Country:

He, who makes a beast out of himself,
gets rid of the pain of being a man.

I wish I could let the beast out, but you know I’ll never do that. I have too much to lose by doing so. If you ever allow me to, I can only pray that I haven’t slipped too far.

Right, now that I’ve worked myself into a depressing state, I think I’ll write a poem. This one goes out to all the people I know who’ve been having problems at home and with their parents.

Slipstream

Your blood runs through my veins.
Cursing and defiling this vessel.
These eyes, mouth, nose and ears,
frown, smile, quirk and hairy trestle
are all yours.

Because you gave me life,
brought me into this world.
Systematically raped and abused my mind.
And I am hurled
to the ground.

Each night as I lay awake in bed
I hear your voice resounding,
every scream and each crescendo,
as my skull begins pounding,
threatening to burst.

You are a spineless coward,
Or you simply don’t care.
What kind of fucking dad are you,
if you’re never there
For us.

I see the demon that you really are,
hiding, behind the eyes that you gave
to me. Blinding you, and killing me.
You know no happiness save
Our misery.

Fuck you. Curse you and your demon spawn.
I curse myself for being born your child,
you terrorize and torture me
Your attitude drives me wild
To the point of extinction.

Give me leave to leave you be
and I will gladly embrace the liberty.
Your condescension, you sanctimonious bastard,
and all your hypocritical sympathy
can rot in Hell.

I live with the filth, and the stench
of the blood that courses through artery
of my body. It is your evil ways,
your sinful transgressions and dark mastery
That make me.

But I will not be in your shadow.
I am not something you can own.
I will be free from you very soon and I will never look back,
except to laugh at your mistakes and failures.
And the failure that you are.
I will laugh at all that you do,
until my voice is the one that resounds in your head.
Liar, cheat, bum, drunkard.
Hear these names that I call you,
For I am not the one who is drunk, I am sober.
I am not the bum because I have risen against you.
I am not the cheat because I do not go against my vows.
And I am not the liar, because every word I say is true.

Very soon. Sooner than you think.
All your blood will be gone
from the slipstream that is your child.

I hope all you will find peace in your lives. And comfort in the friendships that are craftily orchestrated and intricately weaved to eventually alienated and dissolve me from the chorus of your youth.